Private livesRelationshipsI am 41 and have been married to the love of my life for 10 years. We have three sons. Two years ago, my wife formed a close relationship with a lesbian friend, which became intense. She claimed she was merely supporting her friend through breast cancer, but I discovered text messages between them that were sexual in nature. My wife said she had wanted to find some "safe" excitement, but denied they had a sexual relationship. I gave her an ultimatum, the situation seemed to be resolved and the friend moved away.
A year ago my job was under threat so we decided I should take a new job that meant living away from home. We agreed that the family would follow on. My wife became distant and now says that she had been suppressing her attraction to her friend (with whom she has remained in contact), and feels she must now accept that she might be gay herself and can't rule out a relationship with this woman, who she has since admitted kissing. She has arranged to see a counsellor on her own to explore what her sexuality is, so she can "move on". She says she loves me and our family, but that if she is gay, our marriage must end. She refuses to have sex with me.
I feel angry and betrayed and believe my absence from the family home is adversely affecting our children - my wife says she is no longer willing for the family to move. I understand that she wants to "find herself", but I feel powerless and bewildered.
Allow your wife to be who she is
There must be many women - I'm one of them - who discovered their true sexual orientation only after they had toed the conventional line of marriage and children. It is obviously much easier for women to fake heterosexuality than it is for men.
I'm sure your wife is now coming to the realisation that she is gay and is trying to take steps to come to terms with this at a later stage in her life. I sympathise with you in your anguish, which is all the greater because children are involved. However, please try to accept that one's sexuality, whether homosexual or heterosexual, is a defining feature of one's personality and that your wife must be allowed to acknowledge her true orientation. Please don't think she is just doing this for kicks.
HN, via email
You are the one left out in the cold
To discover that the "love of your life" has been keeping such a big secret from you for all these years must have come as a devastating shock. Perhaps it was a slow realisation for her too, but nonetheless, the person you thought you knew, loved and trusted is not who you thought she was. This will inevitably make you feel that your life is not what you thought it was. Everything has changed, so it is no wonder you feel bewildered.
Beneath your anger, I am sure you also feel very rejected - as a father, husband and lover. You're being told that you are no longer needed. Your wife's reason may be both understandable and unavoidable, but that doesn't change the fact that you are the one being left out in the cold.
I have seen many individuals who have struggled with their partner's sexuality, and one of the universal reactions to such revelations is a feeling that they should have known. They ask themselves: Did I miss the signs? Have I been in denial? Did I make them gay? This sense of self-doubt compounds feelings of isolation. Many people find it difficult to talk about their relationship problems for fear of judgment and when sexuality is involved this can be even harder.
You need time to come to terms with what has happened. Talk to friends and family and get as much support from them as you can. If it is too difficult to speak to people you know, consider seeing a counsellor or contacting an online support service, such as the Straight Spouse Network.
Read The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Pierce Buxton, which includes stories of people who have been through similar experiences to yours.
Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist with Relate
What the expert thinks
It would be extremely difficult for anyone to cope well with the changes you have experienced during the past few years. The birth of three children, a threat to your job and financial security, and relocation away from home - these alone are stressful. Now, you have been asked to accept that your wife may leave you - for a woman. Your own description of how you are feeling - angry and betrayed, powerless and bewildered - is particularly apt, because I suspect you are someone who lives more by reason than by emotion. But now you can no longer suppress your feelings.
You are angry with your wife because she is excluding you from the decision-making process that will affect not only her, but the whole family. This is an entirely understandable reaction. However, you are also furious with her because she is not the person you thought she was, or the person you want her to be. That is also understandable, but it is not reasonable. You are also berating yourself because, looking back now, you can see that there were a number of occasions when you sensed things were not right, yet you failed to react. Regret is futile, though, because you can't change the past.
Anger is often accompanied by fear - fear of losing something precious. You are "losing" the wife you thought you had, and you must find ways to accept her as she is, even if you can't relate to her as you once did. You are also losing the family life, and the future, you assumed you would have.
These are huge losses, and you must grieve for them before you can move on. This is difficult to do alone - you will need someone discreet and compassionate to help you work through these feelings. Is there anyone who can do this? If not, I suggest you seek the help of a skilled counsellor; you can ask your GP to refer you to one. Alternatively, contact the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy on 01455 883316 or the British Association of Psychotherapists on 020 8452 9823 to find a therapist.
Once you have come to terms with the injustice of your situation, you will be able to think logically. At that point, you will have to consider what is most important to you: your wife, your children, your own sexual desires, or your career. It is totally unfair that you should have to do this, but it is the only way you can progress to the next stage of your life.
If your children come first, you will need to look for another job - any job - that will allow you to live near them. It would also be wise to seek legal advice, so you know your parental rights, if your wife decides to press for divorce.
If your relationship with your wife matters most, you will have to be patient while she works through her confusion and you may have to accept a relationship with her that isn't sexual. If you don't feel that you could adjust to a marriage without sex, you may decide to separate from your wife, to make it easier to find a partner who shares your sexual orientation. If your career is the priority, you may have to continue to live some distance away from your family, and visit as often as possible. None of these choices necessarily excludes the others. But setting your priorities will help you find your way forward.
Linda Blair
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This article was amended on Wednesday 28 January 2009. We have updated the advice given about counselling services.
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